I'll try not to make this too depressing, but I'm so bored right now that I don't know what else to do. Before I get into my present situation, here's a little back story to put it all into context:
When I was about 11 or 12 years old, I developed back problems. No one has ever been able to determine the cause of them. I certainly don't recall ever doing anything to injure my back, and neither do my parents. The only possible cause was something I may have done to it while studying martial arts, but once again, I don't remember a specific event that triggered it. I've seen many doctors, and after getting an MRI done, it was shown that I have two herniated discs in my lower back. I've tried many different treatments over the years, and not a single one has helped. These herniated discs cause a constant pain that is only relieved when I'm laying down.
In the beginning, it wasn't all that bad. It hurt all the time, but I could still live a pretty normal life. I would occasionally have flare-ups that required me to rest it here and there, but it was more of an inconvenience than anything. It did make it very hard for me to exercise, and I had to quit martial arts because it was too painful to continue. The lack of exercise resulted in my weight fluctuating a lot during my teenage years.
As time went on, it got worse and worse. By the time I was in college, it was very difficult for me to sit up. I could walk okay, but sitting upright was very painful. Standing still also caused me pain, and it became difficult for me to attend any events that require a person to stand still in long lines and such. Whenever I went to see movies, I would have to lean against the person next to me (usually my mom or my then-boyfriend) because I wasn't able to sit up. In school, I had to slump down in my chair and lean back as far as I could, and it usually didn't help much. I spent a lot of time in my classes doing nothing besides groaning in pain. After my classes, I usually just went back to my dorm room and laid down for the rest of the day. A good majority of my time was spent laying in bed.
At one point, I had a series of epidurals injected into my back. They completely removed my pain for a short time, and it was incredible. With the freedom to move without pain, I worked very hard to shed my excess weight and get myself into shape. It was a success, and I managed to get nice and thin before the pain returned. I've been in good shape ever since. However, once the pain came back, my life returned exactly to the way it was before.
When I was 19, I moved to another city in order to attend a different college. Right around the time I moved, my back miraculously stopped hurting! It happened out of nowhere, with no explanation whatsoever. For the first time in my adult life, I could live like a completely normal, healthy person. It was absolutely amazing. I loved the freedom I had, to do anything without fear of needing to nurse my sore back. There was a fear in the back of my mind that the pain would return some day, though. I expected it to happen when I was older, but after two and a half amazing years, the dreaded day arrived.
That day was three days ago. On Sunday, the 24th of October, 2010, I woke up with the familiar pain in my back once again. Just as it went away, it returned out of nowhere. I don't remember doing anything to strain it. It's just there. When I first woke up that morning, the pain wasn't too bad. It was annoying, but I figured I had just slept on it weird and it would go away. It didn't. As the day continued, the pain increased more and more. By the time I got home from work, I could barely walk. I stumbled around my apartment, wondering what on earth had made this happen again.
I got myself set up in my bed once again, the familiar place I used to spend most of my free time. I've been spending as much time as possible laying in either my bed or on the floor. I'm on the floor at the moment. It's been only three days, and I can already barely take any more of this constant laying down. I want so badly to get in my car and drive somewhere, but it's too painful to drive. I'm hoping and praying with everything I have that this isn't the end, that this is only temporary and I'll have my freedom back again soon. Realistically thinking, though, I doubt it will happen.
Before this happened, I was making plans to move into my own apartment very soon. I already have the place picked out, and I was hoping to move in the next couple months. If this back problem has returned permanently, though, then that is no longer an option for me. I'm unable to work and support myself when I'm like this. I'm thinking that I'll probably have to move back in with my parents. With them, I'll have more of a life than I could possibly have anywhere else. I'm going to give it a few more days, and if there's no improvement, then I'll most likely be putting in my two weeks notice at work.
I'm so very thankful for the last two and a half years of my life. It was an incredible experience, and I'll never forget it. Despite how depressing this blog entry sounds, I'm not unhappy right now. I just felt like sharing my story. It's nearly impossible for anything to bring down my spirit. No matter what ends up happening to me, I'll be okay.
